BEEP! BEEP! IT'S ME.

"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.

"DIFFICILE EST SATURAM NON SCRIBERE"

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Political Chat Soup


(an appetiser for a chaotic dinner party)


INGREDIENTS:
  • 2 teaspoons of liberal rhetoric
  • half a cup of conservative diatribe
  • 1 neo-conservative (slightly toasted)
  • 3 tablespoons of communist agenda
  • 5 lightly battered zionists
  • 4 tablespoons of racist jingoism
  • quarter of a cup of socialist ad hominems
  • 4 teaspoons of marxist philosophy
  • 1 de-booted neo-nazi
  • 5 sifted cups of free intellectual enquiry
  • a pinch of laissez-faire economics (partially blanched)
  • 1 dessert spoon of respect for traditional institutions
  • some radical, subversive or reactionary views
  • a smattering of dictatorial fascism
  • a sprinkling of discrimination or prejudice
  • 1 bottle of international goodwill


METHOD:


1. Open the bottle of international goodwill and sniff the cork.
2. Combine the free intellectional inquiry, the lassez-faire economics and the respect for traditional institutions. (This is a relatively inert mixture and as such requires little if no safety precautions.)
3. Pour yourself a small glass of the international goodwill and take a sip.
4. In a large bowl, mix together thoroughly the racist jingoism, the marxist philosophy and the socialist ad hominems. (Place aside until the mixture stops bubbling)
5. Drink a glass of international goodwill.
6. Smack the neo-nazi on the head with a wooden spoon.
7. Place in a large pot the liberal rhetoric, the conservative diatribe and the communist agenda. (No need to apply heat as the mixture will reach boiling point on its own.)
8. Dispense with the glass and begin drinking straight from the bottle of international goodwill.
9. Smack the neo-nazi on the head with a wooden spoon and call him a waste of space.
10. Finish off the bottle of international goodwill and fling the empty into the fireplace.
12. Begin to tenderise the neo-nazi with a meat mallet. (Ear plugs are recommended.)
13. Quaff the second bottle of international goodwill while peeling and chopping into cubes the lightly battered zionists. (Ear plugs are optional.)
14. Coat the neo-conservative with the sprinkling of discrimination or prejudice and the smattering of dictatorial fascism.
15. Marinate whatever ingredients are left, and yourself, in a vat of international goodwill.
16. Serve in individual bowls the combined mixtures garnished with some radical, subversive or reactionary views.


(This recipe is a guaranteed starter for dinner parties. Before you have time to serve the main course your guests will be punching away. If there is anyone left standing before the dessert is served, they may have come to the conclusion that it is safer to discuss sex and religion.)

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