BEEP! BEEP! IT'S ME.

"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.

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Saturday, March 11, 2006

A Bloodthirsty God




1. How many men did God kill because someone decided to peek into the ark of the Lord?
A. 50,070 (“And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the Lord, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter”~1 Samuel 6:19)

2. How many men did Moses kill in one day because they failed to say they supported God?
A. 3,000 (“Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said, Who is on the Lord's side? Let him come unto me. And all the sons of Levi gathered themselves together unto him. And he said unto them, Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbor. And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men”~Exodus 32:26-28).

3. How many people did God kill in a plague before someone pleased God by ending a mixed marriage with the murder of the couple?
A. 24,000 (“And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. And those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand”~Numbers 25:6-9).

4. How many animals did Solomon kill in a sacrifice to please the Lord?
A. 120,000 sheep and 22,000 oxen (“And Solomon offered a sacrifice of peace offering, which he offered unto the Lord, two and twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. So the king and all the children of Israel dedicated the house of the Lord”~1 Kings 8:63).

5. How many Israelites did God deliver to the people of Judah to slaughter?
A. 500,000 (“Then the men of Judah gave a shout: and as the men of Judah shouted, it came to pass, that God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah. And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand. And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men. Thus the children of Israel were brought under at that time, and the children of Judah prevailed, because they relied upon the Lord God of their fathers”~ 2 Chronicles 13:15-18).

6. Notwithstanding the above, how many people of Judah were once killed or enslaved because they didn’t give God his due?
A. 120,000 men, 200,000 women and children were taken as slaves (“For Pekah the son of Remaliah slew in Judah an hundred and twenty thousand in one day, which were all valiant men; because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers. . . . And the children of Israel carried away captive of their brethren two hundred thousand, women, sons, and daughters, and took also away much spoil from them” ~ 2 Chronicles 28:6-8).

7. How many Ethiopians did God kill for His chosen people?
A. 1,000,000 (“And Asa had an army of men . . . And there came out against them Zera the Ethiopian with an host of a thousand thousand . . . Asa cried unto the Lord his God, and said Lord, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power, help us, O Lord our God . . . So the Lord smote the Ethiopians” ~2 Chronicles 14:8-12).

8. Speaking of God’s chosen people, how many kings were maimed in God’s name?
A. 70 had their thumbs and big toes cut off (“And they found Abonibezek in Bezek: and they fought against him, and they slew the Canaanites and Perizzites. But Abonibezek fled; and they pursued after him and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes. And Abonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table: as I have done, so God hath requited me” ~Judges 1:5-7).

9. How many soldiers did God burn to death with fire from Heaven because they confronted Elijah?
A. 150 (“And Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. And there came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. Again also he sent unto him another captain . . . And Elijah answered and said unto them, If I be a man of God, let fire come down from heaven and consume thee and thy fifty. And the fire of God came from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty . . . And he sent again a captain of the third fifty . . . Behold, there came fire down from heaven, and burnt up the two captains of the former fifties with their fifties”~ 2 Chronicles 1:10-14).

10. By the time God gets through with his killing spree, how many dead will there be?
A. Enough to cover the entire surface of the Earth (“And the slain of the Lord shall be at that day from one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth: they shall not be lamented, neither gathered, nor buried, they shall be dung upon the ground”~ Jeremiah 25:33).

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10 Comments:

Blogger Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

Yes, and God isn't through. Christians blame Katrina on him and some Orthodox Jews blame the Holocaust on the fact Jews were assimilating in Europe, and apparently it pissed him off so much he let 6 million chosen die.

11/3/06 4:02 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

If the god of the bible exists, he is a sadistic, psychopathic bastard. (I hate to insult bastards in such a fashion.)

12/3/06 1:55 am  
Blogger Procrastinatrix said...

Brings more credence to the words "God-fearing". I think I will try my chances in hell. People are more fun there anyway.

12/3/06 12:06 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Yes, hell for me might be a place reserved for fundamentalists. All those fundie christians/ muslims/ whatevers in the one place would be hell for me.

12/3/06 4:12 pm  
Blogger Lya Kahlo said...

"Yes, hell for me might be a place reserved for fundamentalists. All those fundie christians/ muslims/ whatevers in the one place would be hell for me."

Prezactly. Which is exactly what I always say to the lunatics who tell me I'll burn in hell (for being a liberal, for not being Muslim/Xian/Crazy, for being pro-choice, for not supporting the New Vietnam war etcetcetc - seems like just about anything gets you saent to hell) "Anyplace where people like you are not, could not be hell."

13/3/06 11:26 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

"Anyplace where people like you are not, could not be hell."
...exactly..lol

14/3/06 12:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's hilarious to watch people who think these stories are nothing but myths get their diapers in a bind over them.

"Oh noes! A god we don't believe in killed thousands of people that never existed! Whatever will we do???"

17/3/06 5:34 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Not as hilarious as it is to see people like you who have to make a comment upon the barbarity of your own bible.
BTW as an atheist, I don't have a god belief. People killed those people and they did so because they had a god delusion.
But it is worth pointing out, that if I actually believed in a god, I wouldn't choose a murderous, sadistic, psychopathic, misogynistic, misanthropic dictatorial lunatic like the god depicted in the bible. Just so you really get the message, neither would I worship the god depicted in the quran, the vedas or any other religious book you can mention.
And don't bother asking how is the god of the bible any of the things I just mentioned. Just go back and read them and if your excuse is "He can do anything, he is god," then YOU worship a monster.

17/3/06 10:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So it seems GWB is doing God's work.

18/3/06 3:32 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

GWB and any other politician CAN claim to be doing god's work. As I am an atheist, I think that any claim to be doing the work of a god, is false. And that anyone who claims to be doing this is either wilfully untruthful about their motivations, or they are tacitly untruthful because of their delusions.

18/3/06 10:42 am  

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