BEEP! BEEP! IT'S ME.

"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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Location: Australia

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.

"DIFFICILE EST SATURAM NON SCRIBERE"

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Friday, April 13, 2007

Personal Revelation

Exodus 20:18
~*~
It has been personally revealed to me that the bible, is in fact, referring to Australia in many of the verses and passages. It may be referring to Australia as the Promised Land. Of course, one must read the bible in the spirit of HOPS to be able to ascertain the true meaning of its passages. Here is a list of the passages and their true meaning as revealed to me.

Job 37:9 "The tempest comes out from its chamber, the cold from the driving winds."
(This is an apt description of an Australian Beer fridge hard at work during the Xmas Holidays.)

Ezekiel 24:11 "Then set the empty pot on the coals till it becomes hot and its copper glows so its impurities may be melted and its deposit burned away."
(This passage describes how those poor people who live in the remote and cold southern areas of Australia must use central heating in order to avoid having their gonads frozen off.)

Daniel 4:5 "I had a dream that made me afraid. As I was lying in my bed, the images and visions that passed through my mind terrified me."
(An observant description of an Australian watching a satellite transmission of Faux News.)

1 Chronicles 21:27 "And the LORD commanded the angel; and he put up his sword again into the sheath thereof."
(Those who wish to be considered angelic, need to wear condoms.)

Genesis 1:12 "And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good."
(This one is pretty self-explanatory. It describes God's personal pot plantation in Byron Bay.)

Nahum 3:2 "The noise of a whip, and the noise of the rattling of the wheels, and of the pransing horses, and of the jumping chariots." (Most Australians recognize this immediately as a reference to chasing kangaroos through the bush in a four-wheel drive. That they consider that they are "jumping chariots" adds to their ability to out manoeuvre their pursuers.

Job 41:14 "Who can open the doors of his face? his teeth are terrible round about."
(Tourists to Australia should take particular notice of this passage. Many a gullible tourist has fallen prey to saltwater crocodiles. Most of those taken by saltwater crocodiles have been new earth creationists trying to cuddle them and take them back to the US as evidence that dinosaurs and humans can co-exist peacefully.)

Acts 28:3 "And when Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks, and laid them on the fire, there came a viper out of the heat, and fastened on his hand."
(This is also a warning about what should be used as fuel for a fire. The spiny anteater (echidna) which can resemble a bundle of sticks on a cold night, doesn't take kindly to being chucked on a fire. It is likely to rise out of the fire like a snake and bite or scratch you either on the hand or any other organ which is not well protected.)

Exodus 20:18 "And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off."
(Anyone who has been to Ayer's Rock (Uluru) is familiar with this sight. An afternoon thunderstorm, the noise of drunken Australians blowing trumpets in the background and a glorious sunset with Uluru in the foreground. All the people are standing a long way off as if they get too close, someone will suggest they climb the damn thing, so as a precautionary measure, they stand a distance away.

Jeremiah 51:32 "And that the passages are stopped, and the reeds they have burned with fire, and the men of war are affrighted."
(This verse describes the Australian precaution of burning firebreaks in the bush during drought to halt the progression of bushfires. Therefore the passages of the fires were stopped by the burning of the long grass. The men who are doing this are somewhat anxious in case they set fire to themselves in the process.)

Joshua 11:4 "And they went out, they and all their hosts with them, much people, even as the sand that is upon the sea shore in multitude, with horses and chariots very many."
(This verse is obviously describing the annual pilgrimage to Fraser Island where thousands of tourists and their mates speed up and down the long sandy sea shore of Fraser Island in their Suvs and four wheel drives.)

These are just some of the revelations which have been personally revealed to me. If you do not accept these revelations as true, you will not be going to hell. It will be something far worse. You will be forced to live in Sydney.

This information is brought to you by HOPS, the 'Holy Order of Perpetual Smartarses'.

Goanna - Solid Rock



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16 Comments:

Anonymous ted said...

Beep: Jeremiah 51:32 "And that the passages are stopped

I always thought this one was more to do with the dangers inherent in an undercooked (sometimes translated as "unclean"), damper...

13/4/07 6:09 pm  
Blogger Lexcen said...

I'm impressed. I must go back and reread the Bible with your interpretations. I'll obviously be looking for references to kangaroos.

13/4/07 8:17 pm  
Blogger Stew said...

Like this? - Acts 19:16
Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding.

Possessed by the evil spirit of a boxing roo

14/4/07 4:50 am  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

PSSST! You forgot this 1:
"Do not fear, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, And gather you from the west."
Isaiah 43:5
Which applies to Australia, if you tilt your head to the right, & squint a little.
You can get that silly ass book to agree w/you w/a little work.

14/4/07 6:39 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

ted:

I thought you meant diapers for a second. I have just woken up and only one of my 3 remaining braincells is firing.

lexcen:

Thanks for dropping by. I see you often at BEAJ's blog. Remember: just think "kangaroo" for each passage you read, I am sure it will all make more sense then.

14/4/07 8:42 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

stew:

You got it. I can see that the spirit of HOPS is truly with you.

KA:

Yes. Even though my "revelations" are an extreme example, a religion which is based on the concept of personal revelation has immense problems dictating whose "revelations" are right.

The reason is in the proceedure of personal revelation. Once a religion becomes personal, it is virtually impossible to dictate how, why and what meaning is gleaned at an individual level.

14/4/07 8:47 am  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

BBIM:
Yes. Even though my "revelations" are an extreme example, a religion which is based on the concept of personal revelation has immense problems dictating whose "revelations" are right.
I found that particular passage interesting, because the Inglesias ni Christos (the Phillipine church my ex GF belonged to) used that to illustrate how that it was the 'one true church'. No joke.
Of course, I'd assume the demographic would be directly related to Israel, but that's a guess.
The reason is in the proceedure of personal revelation. Once a religion becomes personal, it is virtually impossible to dictate how, why and what meaning is gleaned at an individual level.
Ah, been readin' Age of Reason again, ey? ;)

14/4/07 10:28 am  
Blogger Goader said...

Going south for the cold wintry weather and seeking the warmer climes of the north. My dear Beep!, no wonder the good book is confusing. The Writer (cap W on purpose--you know the big Writer in the sky) of the great life manual took vacations to the land north of the zero parallel. All of its proclamations require the climate to chill down as one heads north. Goodness gracious, that is 2 weird—go south where it gets colder. My Granddaddy must be rolling over in his grave at the prospect.

Editorial Comment: the following text must be read out loud for full effect. Read slowly drawing out each syllable until you feel an excruciating urge to chew on a corncob pipe hits. Now, that’s southern drawl. Go ahead give it try. (“eye” must always be pronounced like the eye to see with to get the real feel) (the “yy” sound is more like a baby’s cry: wa wa wa –short vowel “a” sound as in apple) (“u” is always short sound like ugly, except in when it follows an “o” then it goes more to that crying baby wa wa sound) (Hey, southern drawl is not so simple now is it?)

Wyy thugh thawt ouf hour grayeat suthurn genral, Robert E. Lee, mountin hiz grayeat wheyet hoarse –n reyedin awf tew thugh sunnee noewath iz a sackrilidge.

Amen, Leroy, Amen

14/4/07 10:56 am  
Anonymous ted said...

Beep: thought you meant diapers for a second

Lol :) Quite the opposite...

14/4/07 5:16 pm  
Blogger Stew said...

"Yes. Even though my "revelations" are an extreme example, a religion which is based on the concept of personal revelation has immense problems dictating whose "revelations" are right.
The reason is in the proceedure of personal revelation. Once a religion becomes personal, it is virtually impossible to dictate how, why and what meaning is gleaned at an individual level."

That is awesome! That just blows me away. It is the end of apologetics.

14/4/07 10:42 pm  
Blogger Dikkii said...

Beep - I'm a little concerned about Acts 28:3. Did we need any further proof that Paul of Tarsus was a homophobe?

Check out definition number two of the Oxford's definition of "Faggot"

15/4/07 1:40 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

KA:

RE: "Ah, been readin' Age of Reason again, ey? ;) "

I'd like to be able to say that I have, but it isn't the case. Did Thomas Paine say something like that as well? And here I am thinking I said something slightly original. Damnit.

15/4/07 9:58 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

goader;

Took me a while to get the bit at the bottom. Not only did I have the use of an american accent to contend with, but my own australian one as well. ;)

15/4/07 10:00 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

dikki:

RE: "I'm a little concerned about Acts 28:3. Did we need any further proof that Paul of Tarsus was a homophobe? Check out definition number two of the Oxford's definition of "Faggot" "

Perhaps an echidna is an allegory for a "faggot"? As it was Paul himself who was throwing the "bundle of sticks" on the fire, it was a denial of his "echnida nature."

That sort of denial is always going to rise out of the flames like an "viperous phoenix" and bite him on the asp.

(I got to say that this personal revelation stuff is fun.)

15/4/07 10:09 am  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

BBIM:
Did Thomas Paine say something like that as well?
Something very like. Age of Reason, Part 1:
"No one will deny or dispute the power of the Almighty to make such a communication if he pleases. But admitting, for the sake of a case, that something has been revealed to a certain person, and not revealed to any other person, it is revelation to that person only. When he tells it to a second person, a second to a third, a third to a fourth, and so on, it ceases to be a revelation to all those persons. It is revelation to the first person only, and hearsay to every other, and, consequently, they are not obliged to believe it.

It is a contradiction in terms and ideas to call anything a revelation that comes to us at second hand, either verbally or in writing. Revelation is necessarily limited to the first communication. After this, it is only an account of something which that person says was a revelation made to him; and though he may find himself obliged to believe it, it cannot be incumbent on me to believe it in the same manner, for it was not a revelation made to me, and I have only his word for it that it was made to him."

15/4/07 1:02 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

KA:

Very good. Paine makes an extremely pertinent point that revelation is heresay unless it occurs in the first person.

"It is a contradiction in terms and ideas to call anything a revelation that comes to us at second hand, either verbally or in writing. Revelation is necessarily limited to the first communication. After this, it is only an account of something which that person says was a revelation made to him; and though he may find himself obliged to believe it, it cannot be incumbent on me to believe it in the same manner, for it was not a revelation made to me, and I have only his word for it that it was made to him."

I just knew I should have paid more attention to Paine.

15/4/07 2:48 pm  

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