"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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Location: Australia

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.


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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis

WARNING: ~ This Article Contains Adult Concepts, Please Censor Yourself.

Watch on Youtube: ~ Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis

(I couldn't have said it better myself.)

Keep your Jesus off my penis

Keep your bible off my balls

Keep your prayers out of my ears

And your crosses off my walls

You can keep the virgin mother

And the resurrection too

Keep your Jesus off my penis

I'll keep my penis off of you

Well I'm frickin' sick and tired

Of turning on the news

And seeing the religious right's

Ungodly fight to take our right to choose

When to bear our children

Who to love and how

Education and protection

If we're just practicing for now

So dubya look obey a book

If that's what works for you

But I don't tell you how to pray

So don't tell me how to screw

Keep your Jesus off my penis

Keep your bible off my balls

Keep your prayers out of my ears

And your crosses off my walls

You can keep the virgin mother

And the resurrection too

Keep your Jesus off my penis

I'll keep my penis off of you

So you’re screaming bloody murder

'Bout the taliban regime

For subjugating women

And being too extreme

And basing legislation

On some ancient holy book

Does that sound a bit familiar?

Here's a mirror, have a look

And as for the ten commandments

They need one more at least

Thou shall never cover up

The acts of pervert priests

How'd they let that happen

Unless they just abhor us

Well anyway it adds

Another layer to the chorus

Keep your Jesus off my penis

Keep your bible off my balls

Keep your prayers out of my ears

And your crosses off my walls

You can keep the virgin mother

And the resurrection too

Keep your Jesus off my penis

I'll keep my penis off of you

So you'll execute a person

And protect a single cell

But mercy-kill the terminally ill

And you're goin' straight to hell

I don't know much about

The word of God

Far be it from me

But I can tell you what it ain't


I am not anti-Christian

Before you grab a rope

There is beauty in religion

And joy and love and hope

We're all looking for an answer

Some colossal cosmic cause

But who the fuck are you

To turn your views into my laws?

It's just believers in the bible

That would have abortion banned

Anti-choice agnostics?

I could count’em on one hand

And as for killing babies

I have but one retort

If someone raped your daughter George

You'd beg her to abort

And if some young girl from your church

Shows up with child or some infection

‘Cuz you taught her what a horrid sin

It was to use protection

One day you'll face the pearly gates

And whatchu gonna say

When that long-haired Jewish peacenick

Sends your ass the other way sayin’

Keep your Jesus off my penis

Keep your bible off my balls

Keep your prayers out of my ears

And your crosses off my walls

I've had it up to here

With all the biblibile you spew

Keep your Jesus off my penis

(at least that's what I would do)

Keep your Jesus off my penis

I'll keep my penis off of you

That's if'n you want me to

lyrics from "Eric Schwartz:

PS: ~ Deuteronomy 23.1 "No one whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off may be admitted into the community of the Lord."



Anonymous Jeff said...

"(I couldn't have said it better myself.)"

Reaally? How about "Keep your Jesus off my vagina"?

11/7/06 11:11 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Getting the troll to comment is too easy...

11/7/06 11:27 pm  
Anonymous Jeff said...

"There is beauty in religion

And joy and love and hope

We're all looking for an answer

Some colossal cosmic cause

But who the fuck are you

To turn your views into my laws?"

First of all, Bush was elected by the American public. Who the 'heck' is this guy to tell America that their vote should be disregarded just because it goes against HIS beliefs? Talk about misguided and profane logic.

12/7/06 3:34 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

Separation of church and state. :)

Secular law not religious law :)

12/7/06 12:16 pm  
Blogger jeff said...

Yeah, I've had this discussion with others in the past. Completely ridiculous. Listen, if the majority of the people in a riding want a Christian to represent their views, than why should they be forced to accept a secular outcome? What is the point of even electing a government if they can't govern based on their electorate's wishes?

12/7/06 12:30 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Because the majority of people are stupid.

12/7/06 2:03 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

The majority of people would vote Homer Simpson for president. Oh, wait a moment. I think they did.

12/7/06 3:02 pm  
Anonymous Jeff said...

"Because the majority of people are stupid."

Really? So who should make the important decisions, then? Some unelected judges that are right or left wing biased? Sounds like a dictatorship scenario to me...

12/7/06 11:20 pm  
Blogger Darwin's Dagger said...

The foundation of American Law is the concept of majority rule/ minority rights. This balance allows the majority to elect whomever they wish to govern, but prevents that majority elected government from persecuting and opressing the minority factions. This hasn't always worked perfectly, but it is the foundation for the First Amendment. People have the right to be free to speak their mind. They have the right to be free from the establishment of religion.

13/7/06 12:50 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

The majority of people ARE stupid. That is reality. I didn't suggest that because of their stupidity that they shouldn't have a part in a voting process. That was your suggestion.

No modern government, to my knowledge is based on one vote, one value. It is a representative system with some democratic processes.

But then you should be aware of this as you have an electoral college which affords so many votes per capita per state.

13/7/06 1:23 am  
Blogger MichaelBains said...

Stupid isn't about intellectual capacity, either. It's about letting your emotions overwhelm your ability to reason. It's negative connotation is due to the harm generally caused - whether to one's self or to others.

Unlike intelligence, stupidity is a uniquely human trait.

Great freakin' song. {-;

13/7/06 10:52 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Yeah, I love this song. :)

13/7/06 1:43 pm  
Blogger Dikkii said...

I am so tempted to put a most inappropriate link in here.

Fortunately, I can fight the temptation.

13/7/06 11:12 pm  
Anonymous Jeff said...

I see. In typical left wing 'elitist' fashion, you folks deem the majority simply incapable of making the right decisions in their best interests. So you still haven't answered the question I posed: Why bother voting?

13/7/06 11:24 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

14/7/06 9:51 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

Sure it sounds elitist. But is the comment accurate?

Why bother voting? Good question.

"Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right...

The United States has never developed an aristocracy really disinterested or an intelligentsia really intelligent.

Its history is simply a record of vacillations between two gangs of frauds."
H. L. Mencken

14/7/06 9:55 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:"Reaally? How about "Keep your Jesus off my vagina"? "

You must have missed the email. Jesus doesn't like vaginas.

14/7/06 4:30 pm  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Actually, Jesus was a normal heterosexual flesh and blood man so I have no reason to believe that he wasn't attracted to the female vagina.

16/7/06 9:14 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

"Evidence" of either heterosexuality or homosexuality on the part of jesus is available.

If we go with "jesus existed as a person", for the sake of argument, then the evidence about his sexuality is interesting.



"It is from being promised to the heavenly place that man receives nourishment. [...] him from the mouth. And had the word gone out from that place, it would be nourished from the mouth and it would become perfect. For it is by a kiss that the perfect conceive and give birth. For this reason we also kiss one another. We receive conception from the grace which is in one another."

This is phillip talking about the disciples and how they liked to kiss each other on the mouth.

"And the youth, looking upon him (Jesus), loved him and beseeched that he might remain with him. And going out of the tomb, they went into the house of the youth, for he was rich. And after six days, Jesus instructed him and, at evening, the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God".

The disciple John frequently refers to himself in the third person as 'the disciple whom Jesus loved'. One might argue that Jesus loved all of his followers in a non-sexual way. Thus to identify Jesus' love for John in a special way might indicate a sexual relationship. The disciple was "the" beloved. He was in a class by himself.

During the Last Supper before Jesus' execution, the author(s) of the Gospel of John describes how the "beloved" disciple laid himself on Jesus' inner tunic - his undergarment.

John 13:25
"Then, leaning back on Jesus’ breast, he said to Him, “Lord, who is it?”

John 21:20
"Peter, turning around, saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them; the one who also had leaned back on His bosom at the supper and said, "Lord, who is the one who betrays You?"

During the crucifixion, in John 19:26-28, Jesus is described as seeing his mother and an unidentified man: "the disciple standing by, whom he loved."

This particular disciple is identified as "the" disciple who Jesus loved. That might indicate a special intimate relationship with one special disciple.

Mark 14:51-52:

These verses describe an unusual event associated with Jesus' arrest by the Temple guard in the Garden of Gethsemane.

This passage describes an almost-naked young man who had been following Jesus.

The guards grab at the man, but he runs away naked, leaving the men holding only the man's linen cloth.

The text reads: "And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him. And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked."

Mark 7:14-16
"Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, "Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean.' "

Does that include weiners? Who knows..

Suddenly many aspects of the New Testament made sense. Jesus never married. He preached love, tolerance, and forgiveness of sins.

He did not condemn and vilify as his so-called followers do today. He surrounded himself with men whom he loved.

If jesus was both divine and fully man, why did he never marry? Why is the New Testament silent about his sexuality?

Jesus was probably gay and that He understood hatred and bigotry first-hand.

PS: If he walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then he is a duck.

Except, (according to rightwing homophobic christians), if his name is Jesus.

16/7/06 11:23 am  
Blogger montreal simon said...

Hi Beep. I love your blog. It's a beauty. Somehow you can make me laugh and nod my head wildly in agreement at the same time. Which takes some doing! And thanks for the biblical quotations. If my Sunday School teacher had read those passages to me during my tender teenage years I might have become a Christian.(pant)(pant) And only changed my mind later...

17/7/06 2:48 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

lol montreal simon, you are welcome.

17/7/06 11:03 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Cultural context is going to help you decipher the truth on this, beep. You seem to be evaluating these events from today's norms and today's use of vocabulary....

18/7/06 12:29 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

You are positing a defence of moral relativism. Hahahaha. Don't worry, I won't squeal to your neocon buddies about it.

18/7/06 10:15 am  

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