Bruce And Sheila In The Garden Of Eden - An Australian Bible Parody
Bruce and Sheila in their backyardOnce upon a time, there was this aussie girl called Sheila. One day she came across a snake-in-the-grass with all the cunning of sh*t house rat. The snake asked her why she didn’t just grab lunch off the tree in her garden.
"Gawd has told me that I will be dead meat if I get me fruit salad from that tree." she said to the snake. The snake replied, "Gawd is lyin' to ya luv, ya won't cark it. He just wants it all for himself, the greedy mongrel."
So Sheila took a good squiz around, and then a bite and passed the fruit on to her bloke." "Gees" said Bruce. "That was bloody good luv. Got anymore of that stuff?"
"Stone the crows!" yelled Sheila. "Who took off all me clothes?" "I dunno," said Bruce. "But as we are both naked, how about a bit?"
"Shuddap," said Sheila. "Ya dopey drongo. Can't ya see that gawd is gunna be back in a tick and he is gunna be as mad as a cut snake cause we ate his granny smiths!"
"Talking about snakes," Bruce said, with a glint in his eye. "Just you settle petal. I tell ya what. You go get that big stick over there and whack the crap out of that snake. When gawd comes back we will tell him that the snake did it."
"You're a bonza bloke," says Sheila, her eyes all misty. "And you're the ant's pants," replies Bruce.
And everyone was able to avagoodweegend.
(Except for the snake of course, but that's what ya get for messin' with a sheila.)
The end.
The end.
~*~
Australian Slang Decoder: ~
1. aussie - australian
2. cunning as a sh*t house rat - sneaky, cunning
3. dead meat - dead
4. cark it - die
5. mongrel - bad person
6. stone the crows - an exclamation of surprise
7. squizz - look
8. a bit - sex
9. dopey drongo - stupid person
10. back in a tick - back soon
11. mad as a cut snake - really angry
12. granny smiths - australian green apples
13. settle petal - calm down
14. bonza - fantastic
15. ant's pants - wonderful
16. avagoodweekend - Have a good weekend
~*~
Ricky Gervais Live - Animals 2. (The Book Of Genesis)
~*~
posted by beepbeepitsme | 3:02 pm
14 Comments:
Yep, this settles it. You aussies are an odd bunch. Funny, but odd.
RE mojoey:
What can I say, but thank-you ;)
Bloody ripper Beep!!
Here's one for you, Beep:
Catholic idea of limbo likely kaput
October 6, 2006
BY PEGGY WALSH-SARNECKI
FREE PRESS STAFF WRITER
Pope Benedict XVI could announce as early as today that the Catholic Church is abandoning the ancient concept of limbo, a way station for babies barred from heaven because they were not baptized, according to unconfirmed reports circulating Thursday in Europe and elsewhere.
"It's an idea whose time has passed," the Rev. Thomas Reese, a Vatican expert and senior fellow at the Woodstock Theological Center at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C., told the Free Press on Thursday.
Kaput. Heh.
"Did you make disease
And the diamond, blue?
Did you make mankind,
After we made you?
-- Andy Partridge
RE urizon:
It's criminal really. All those catholic mothers who for hundreds of years were tormented by the idea that their dead babies went to limbo. Female catholics who would have been distraught with grief because they believed that their poor little baby wasn't in heaven because they didn't get it baptised in time.
And now the catholic church is going to say, "sorry, we got it wrong, we got a new email from god - apparently they are allowed to go to heaven now."
As, I said, it is criminal and psychologically abusive.
Criminality and psychological abuse are two sides to the same coin: the latter enables the former, at least insofar as organized religion is concerned. The Vatican, Falwell, Robertson, all are crooks.
Now that was fun and I loved the translation of the words and phrases.
My three favorites are settle petal, stone the crows and ant's pants
I think I may steal them and use them. If I could learn to say "stone the crows" when I'm surprised instead of my usual F**K, that would be an improvement.
Have a great weekend :)
That was fun.
I loved the translations, especially stone the crows, settle petal and ant's pants
I think I may steal them and use them. If I could learn to say "stone the crows" when I'm surprised instead of my usual F**K, that would be an improvement.
Have a great weekend :)
Wasn't Eden of the Joe Blakes near the Black Stump, Mate?
Struth, Gorblimey,I dunno. Search me.
Then, blow me bloody down, Blue, what's new?
Nuthin'. Talkin' of snakes, let's go to the rubbity-dub, get hissed as parrots. Missus will blow her stack.
Beaudy, Mate! I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donga! That's bloody religion for you.
What a cheerful tranlstion. so much more fun then the original.
I've got to come back here more often, your posts are always worth the read. :)
I am over here in the US and I tell you what they are a crazy bunch mate...They don't understand me when I say..haveagoyablugger or give me a dogs eye with dead horse!
yes "dead meat" was my favorite.
Bump! (sound of me falling off the chair while laughing and having cracking contractions)
I made all my friends read it.
The ant's pants is definitely my favourite...
Dear Beep, I've had a death threat (see my site). Given that you, like me, relentlessly question and prod the sacred cows, we are always open for verbal and physical attack by the crazies.
One of the main problems is that, unlike us, non-moderated blogs allow anyone to say anything. Then when we reject innappropriate comments, these commenters get upset and then we're accused of stifling free speech, etc.
Anyway, be warned. Those who shine a light into dark places sometimes uncover nasty things. Cheers!
RE daniel:
And from a good believer, is my guess..
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