BEEP! BEEP! IT'S ME.

"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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Location: Australia

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.

"DIFFICILE EST SATURAM NON SCRIBERE"

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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Proof that the USA is Evil





*~*
IT BURPS! IT FARTS! IT WETS ITS FUR WITH LAUGHTER!
*~*
Ok, it doesn't do any of those things but it does other scary things. Yes, I added the horns. And yes, it was a joke. Please put the gun down.
*~*
Seriously, I thought this thing was having a seizure or an epileptic fit. Maybe the next model can have flashing eyes to ensure that the owner and doll can have matching concurrent seizures.
*~*
What has been described as the America's "gun culture" or love affair with weapons has always been at least slightly disturbing to me. But not anymore. Having watched the video of Elmo cacking his pants for about 2 minutes, I would be reaching for the nearest weapon to put it out of its misery. If there is anything out there that is begging to be a target, it is "Tickle Me Elmo."
*~*
So my suggestion would be. Spare your sanity, buy a gun and tickle the doll with a round of hollow points.
What will the next version be? These ideas might be popular for political pundits.
  • 1. A "Tickle Me Elmo Doll" which allows you to vote in the next presidential election by squeezing the righthand or the lefthand.
  • 2. You then stick a USB cable up its cloaca and the vote is registered online and compiled via my server where I tally the votes for a small but fair fee.
  • 3. Votes which are "ambiguous" set off the self destruct button located inside the doll's nose thus ensuring a troublefree vote count.
  • 4. Also, it would be illegal to sell these dolls to African Americans who live in Florida thus saving valuable time having to delete their names from the list later on.

What about a religious theme?

  • 1. How about a Tickle Me Jesus Doll? This would be a hit with people who like to tickle others under the armpits.
  • 2. Or a Tickle Me Devil Doll. This doll could cackle insanely for a couple of minutes, and then tell the owner to go to hell.

I am sure there are readers out there with their own suggestions.



Link

18 Comments:

Blogger Logtar said...

Pretty good post :) funny, I would vote using Elmo for sure...

However, don't fall into the whole, America is one mentality, there are plenty of people here to both be crazy and stupid in all sorts of funny ways.

Cheers

29/9/06 12:53 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE logtar:
It's ok, I am sure that all americans are not gun wielding maniacs, just like all australians don't wrestle crocodiles before breakfast.

29/9/06 3:29 am  
Blogger Daniel said...

Stupidity doesn't confine itself to America and Australia. It's a world-wide phenomenon which allows the majority to be controlled and manipulated by a tiny minority!

29/9/06 7:50 am  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

Isn’t it interesting how Switzerland’s crime rate is extremely low considering that almost every single male over 20 has had military training and owns a gun?

29/9/06 8:09 am  
Anonymous ted said...

That last one certainly conjure's an image Beep, I'm just not sure I needed it...:)

29/9/06 10:22 am  
Anonymous Mojoey said...

Um, what you don't see is the endless lines of people trying to buy these things. By Christmas, the lines will be out the door, people will fight, riots, chaos, and all for a doll, no wait, all for an annoying doll.

On a recent trip to China, I was asked about America's gun culture. "Is it true Americans can buy guns at the same place they buy food?" - I had to answer yes, at Wal-Mart.

29/9/06 11:10 am  
Anonymous mojoey said...

Um, what you don't see is the endless lines of people trying to buy these things. By Christmas, the lines will be out the door, people will fight, riots, chaos, and all for a doll, no wait, all for an annoying doll.

On a recent trip to China, I was asked about America's gun culture. "Is it true Americans can buy guns at the same place they buy food?" - I had to answer yes, at Wal-Mart.

29/9/06 11:12 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE: under the mercy:

This post wasn't a formal reproachment of "gun culture."

Though I do think the fascination with the ability to kill things to be a little odd, especialy in such a "Jesus worshipping culture."

This post was merely a lightheaded look at a very annoying doll.

29/9/06 11:18 am  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

I understand, sorry if I was to serious. Neither was I trying to make a "formal" defence, just pointing out an interesting fact.

On a random note, if you get the chance could you try and read the gospel of John sometime.

29/9/06 11:46 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE under the mercy:

I have read most of the bible at different times in my life. The ancient writings about ancient gods is quite interesting. The ancient roman gods also make a fascinating study.

Of course, when I read about gods in ancient books, I don't believe in their literal existence, I do it out of interest to understand what ancient people's believed.

30/9/06 1:24 am  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

I mean just sitting down and reading it through with an open mind.

1/10/06 1:25 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE: under the mercy:

Never have your mind too open. All sorts of nasty, silly stuff might fall in there.

3/10/06 9:15 pm  
Blogger SNAKE HUNTERS said...

'Stralia? Wow!

Been lotsa places. Hope beats eternal in the human heart, even
old ones.

Do you have as many Mosques as
we do? Don't know yet if they're
running at us, or away from a
Grand Ayatollah?

Comment? Record first name
and your town. reb

www.lazyonebenn.blogspot.com

5/10/06 1:11 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE: snake

I haven't noticed a lot of mosques. But most major cities have palces of worship for virtually any religious belief you can mention.

There is a huge buddhist temple and a large Taoist temple, but I don't remember seeing any large mosques. Must be some somewhere, they just don't stand out.

5/10/06 9:10 pm  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

RE: beep

Such as conviction, or belief?

6/10/06 2:16 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE: under the mercy:

Not sure what you mean regarding conviction or belief?

Conviction or belief in regards to what part of what argument?

6/10/06 11:32 am  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

Twas in reply to:

"RE: under the mercy:

Never have your mind too open. All sorts of nasty, silly stuff might fall in there."

6/10/06 2:00 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE: under the mercy:

Do I think that conviction or belief might be some of the nasty. silly stuff that might fall into a mind that is "too open?"

Probably.
It depends on the conviction or the belief.

7/10/06 10:36 pm  

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