"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.


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Monday, December 18, 2006

"Everybody Must Get Stoned"

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"No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle" - From 'The Life of Brian'

"Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good,
They'll stone ya just a-like they said they would.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to go home.
Then they'll stone ya when you're there all alone.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned."

Many christians believe that the bible is the inerrant word and will of god. So what does the bible as the word of god have to say about evil? And what is the punishment for evil according to the will of god?

Firstly, the bible says that it is evil to speak of other gods as this is preaching rebellion against the one "true god" and that this evil must be purged. Now, I don't know about you, but purging doesn't sound too pleasant nor too friendly. Seems to kind of contradict that "love your neighbour as yourself routine." (Unless your neighbour likes a good purging, I guess.) It seems to me that purge used in this context means to put to death or otherwise eliminate (undesirable or unwanted members) from a political organization, government, nation, etc.

Deuteronomy 13:5
" That prophet or dreamer must be put to death, because he preached rebellion against the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt and redeemed you from the land of slavery; he has tried to turn you from the way the LORD your God commanded you to follow. You must purge the evil from among you. "

Ok, so christians are encouraged to purge from their midst, an old fashioned way of saying - "kill them", people who speak of other gods to christians. Right off the bat, it seems that religious tolerance might be a bit of a stretch. And what is the recommended method to purge evil according to the bible? You guessed it. A good old stoning is called for. Not the kind of stoning that involves a few buds and a pipe on the back verandah whilst listening to JJ Cale. No, this is a more permanent kind of stoning. The one that involves smallish rocks pelted at the person until they are dead.

So, you are compelled to put people to death who speak or preach about other gods, even if they are your brother, your son, your daughter or your wife. You are to stone them to death to remove the "evil" from your midst. Nothing like a good old-fashioned stoning to get the juices going. Perhaps this could be organized as a pre-sunday church service, to get the believers in the mood for total compliance.

Deuteronomy 13:6-11
"If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, 7 gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), 8 do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. 9 You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. 10 Stone him to death, because he tried to turn you away from the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 11 Then all Israel will hear and be afraid, and no one among you will do such an evil thing again."

I can hear some christians now jumping to the defence of what is left of their senses and saying, "but that is in the old testament, the new testament is what I follow." Take out the old testament and there is no god the father, god the sun, (oops sorry typo), and god the holy spirit; there is just jesus as god. This kind of defeats the purpose of jesus as god being born as a man to save humans from sins, if they wouldn't have committed these sins in the first place without the old testament.

What's next? Deuteronomy is full of examples of evil. It is literally the encyclopedia of what god considers evil acts. Let's see. If a girl is married and it can be proven that she was not a virgin on her wedding night, yes, you got it, a good old-fashioned stoning is called for.

Deuteronomy 22:20-21
"If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you."

There doesn't seem to be the same punishment for men who are not virgins on their wedding night. That might be because they were too busy trying to entice the virgins in the town to have sex with them, so at a later date when they were married, they could stone them to death then. I don't know, just a guess. No TV, so they had to find entertainment in other ways. Nothing like a good stoning to build group cohesion.

Deuteronomy is just a cesspit of evil doings. Evil is mentioned everywhere and the punishment is the obvious. Whoever is being naughty needs to be pelted with rocks until they are dead. I wonder if there was a job for rock collecting?
"David and Sons Rock Collectors for Ritual Stonings - We supply the rocks, you supply the muscle. Bloodied rocks from previous stonings an added extra."

The Stoning Scene from Monty Python's "The Life of Brian."

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Blogger MichaelBains said...


Can I get stoned now?


19/12/06 1:20 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE michael

Deliberately saying it doesn't count! lol

19/12/06 1:25 pm  
Blogger Foilwoman said...

I'm so lucky I didn't live in biblical times. I'd be stoned for sure, and not in the nice "gotta eat a whole plate of brownies, right now" way. Who knew: child molesting okay; woman having sex outside of wedlock, evil. Or something like that.

19/12/06 2:16 pm  
Blogger an average patriot said...

Beep Beep
Good one! Everybody must get stoned!
You know, I have written extensively on the Bible and the lies we call History.
Deuterotemy is just one example of evil and misinofrmation. I am going to look at the Life of Brian stoning. That is an excellent movie.
First I just wanted you to see my reply to you and how a guy from Britain feels in relation to capital punishment.
Hi BeepBeep
I agree with you but I also agree with what colin said about an eye for an eye if we can be sure, Also after hearing about events in California and Florida and I am really turned off as I am now thinking we are torturing these people. Meanwhile terrorists are protected from this.
It is interesting that Australia is against Capital Punishment. It is telling in light of the countries history.Thanks for your opinion and your post!

20/12/06 12:24 am  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

Colossians 2:14, 16, 17

Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross. Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the Sabbath days: Which are a shadow of things to come; but the body is of Christ.

Daniel 9:27

And he shall confirm the covenant with many for one week: and in the midst of the week he shall cause the sacrifice and the oblation to cease, and for the overspreading of abominations he shall make it desolate, even until the consummation, and that determined shall be poured upon the desolate.

Ephesians 2:15-16

Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace; And that he might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity thereby.

Such laws as you mention were negated when Christ came.

20/12/06 5:45 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Really? Which laws specifically? Just the stoning laws?

Please point me to the passage where it says in the new testament, "Thou shalt not stone people to death with small rocks."

Christian Reconstructionists would disagree with you.

"The fifth and by far the most important reason is that stoning is literally a means of crushing the murderer’s head by means of a rock, which is symbolic of God. This is analogous to the crushing of the head of the serpent in Genesis 3:15. This symbolism testifies to the final victory of God over all the hosts of Satan. Stoning is therefore integral to the commandment against murder." - (Gary North , Christian Reconstructionalist)

Christian Reconstructionism

20/12/06 8:52 am  
Blogger Greg said...

I love me some Monty Python!!

20/12/06 12:27 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Such laws as you mention were negated when Christ came."

I found this statement disturbing!

My understanding of the Bible, which is extensive, suggests that J.C. did not engage in pursuits of the flesh or any other activities associated with begatting! That was the exclusive domain of sinners (of whom women make up the vast bulk and for whom stoning is the only reasonable punishment).

When Christ came what were the circumstances? Was it the result of a wet dream? Is such a spontaneous occurence a sin? Did it affect His eyesight?

Enlighten me!

20/12/06 1:34 pm  
Anonymous ted said...

Re Mercy

Such laws as you mention were negated when Christ came.

Stoning is a punishment for violation of the law. Where does he tell us that stoning shouldn't be used as a punishment? It's just that I can't find it...

20/12/06 8:19 pm  
Blogger pissed off patricia said...

Hey finally an occupation I believe I could be good at, a stone collector. I would gather the rolling stones and those who gotten stoned and then the throwing stones. Thanks beep beep

Could the modern day stoning be impeachment?

21/12/06 5:58 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Such laws as you mention were negated when Christ came.

From a Christian site:
"[some]scholars argue that Christians are no longer under the Mosaic law. But we must carefully distinguish the dietary or ceremonial laws (abolished in the New Testament - Mark 7:19; Heb. 10:8-10) from the moral laws (reinforced in the New Testament and still applicable today --Mark 7:20-23; Matt. 5:27, 28)."

21/12/06 7:35 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got a good 1 for ya:

The mob is chasing Mary Magdalene thru the streets, crying 'Harlot! Whore!', while pelting her w/stones and sticks.
She collapses at Jesus' feet. The mob cries out to him: "Rabbi, is it not written that we should stone a woman such as she? She has lain w/many men?"
Jesus looks around at the mob, and says, "You who are w/o sin, cast the 1st stone."
An old lady pipes up: "I will!" Upon which, she picks up a boulder, & flattens Mary w/it.
Jesus looks at her, and says, "Mom, why are you always fucking things up for me?"

21/12/06 7:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do you ever mock Islam? or radical Islam? or Budhism? or the Mormons? or Jehovah's witnesses?

22/12/06 1:45 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE anonymous

I don't see them as essentially very different. Each religion has its fanatics who use their faith for political purposes.

Christianity is moderated by time and the secular society. Islam less so.

But essentially they all rely on faith in insibile beings that somehow direct the natural world. So, in this, they are very similar.

I primarily blog about christianity, as that is the religion with which I am most familiar, but if you are concerned that all other religions are not receiving their fair amount of criticism, you are welcome to start your own blog and blog about them.

Unless of course, you only have a problem with people who blog about YOUR religion.

22/12/06 1:52 pm  
Blogger MB said...


But, dang it all! I still ain't got stoned since reading this! What am I doing wrong???

Maybe I should move to Israel and start nekkin' near the Wailing [whaling?] Wall...

If only Natty Portman would just return my calls. {sighhh}

22/12/06 2:45 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE mb and the link.

Damnit! I miss all the fun. :(

22/12/06 2:49 pm  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

RE: beep:

Joh 8:3-11 And the scribes and the Pharisees bring a woman taken in adultery; and having set her in the midst, they say unto him, Teacher, this woman hath been taken in adultery, in the very act. Now in the law Moses commanded us to stone such: what then sayest thou of her? And this they said, trying him, that they might have whereof to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground.
But when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground. And they, when they heard it, went out one by one, beginning from the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the midst. And Jesus lifted up himself, and said unto her, Woman, where are they? did no man condemn thee? And she said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said, Neither do I condemn thee: go thy way; from henceforth sin no more.

23/12/06 4:01 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't assume that christianity is my religion. the point is, christianity is easy to "pick on" because of their "turn the other cheek" teaching. why not go after radical islamists? they are the real danger, not the christians. or do you not have the balls to do that? quite honestly you are not so different than the christians, trying to convice people of your beliefs. have a good life...or not.

23/12/06 5:14 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE under

I am aware of Joh 8:3-11. How does this impact upon the laws of stoning? A reprieve is given to one person. How does this mean that stoning under all circumstances will be abolished by this one reprieve?

23/12/06 10:26 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE under

I am aware of Joh 8:3-11. How does this impact upon the laws of stoning? A reprieve is given to one person. How does this mean that stoning under all circumstances will be abolished by this one reprieve?

23/12/06 10:26 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE anon

Christians aren't anymore tolerant than any other religion when it comes to criticism of their beliefs. The secular societies in which we live are.

It is basically the laws of secular societies which allow people to express their views on religion, politics, economics and other ideologies.

Many of the so called "tolerant christians" who live in secular societies would prefer it if no one could question their beliefs, or that there were strict punishments for those who did.

Fortunately, for the moment, the rules of a secular society exclude them from burning muslims, atheists, agnostics, heathens and pagans at the stake.

And by your parting shot of "have a good life or not" tells me that you are one of these people.

23/12/06 10:33 am  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

I was the 1 who told the Mary Magdalene joke, BBIM.
Blogger's been actin' strange since I converted (to the new blogger).
I just noticed that somehow, I became anonymous.
Sorry about the confusion.

23/12/06 3:06 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...


See, you messed with my head when you posted as anonymous. The joe was funny btw ;)

23/12/06 8:50 pm  
Blogger under_the_mercy said...

RE: beep:

Read my fist post, would you.

25/12/06 8:12 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your argument about the old testament's relation to God and Man has some serious flaws. Take the time to read a page out of the rest of the Bible. you'll see that the "New Covenant" that God made with man abolished old practices in the old testament. But you seem to shrug this one off.

As for your own defense of your point:

"Take out the old testament and there is no God the father, God the son, and God the holy spirit; there is just Jesus as God..."

you could not have made a more crass, unconvincing statement than this. You obviously have not read any of the new testament, because it is hard to turn a page without the relationship between God and Christ being referenced. God is outside of time, and his divinity and existence is not validated by the old testament alone. This is one of the main precepts of practically every monotheistic religion. You also forget there was Christianity before there was an old and new testament-The religion leading up to the birth of Christ and the "New Church" was strict Judaism. I'm just paraphrasing one of the simplest, concepts of the faith. Romans 11: 33-36. And there in lies the problem, you can't understanding without first believing. Romans 1: 19-20

Its ashame when an atheist like you is basing more of his arguments on the Bible than a Christian and failing miserable for that matter. At least learn your material and save yourself the embarrassment.

7/6/07 11:20 am  

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