BEEP! BEEP! IT'S ME.

"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.

"DIFFICILE EST SATURAM NON SCRIBERE"

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Saturday, June 02, 2007

GOD'S VENDETTA AGAINST KITTENS




God's Vendetta Against Kittens - "Everytime You Masturbate God Kills a Kitten"

For centuries, all forms of sexual pleasure unlikely to result in population increase have routinely been denounced as wrong. This goes a long way to explaining why some religious folks have had a hard-on for those who waste seed. Perhaps I should express that differently.. Some people of religious conviction believe that it is wrong to indulge in sexual activity which does not result in procreation. This concept probably stemmed from ancient times when male seed was associated with abundance in the same way that the seed of various crops was also associated with abundance.

Regardless of various "modern religious views", masturbation has been quite a popular past time throughout history and prior to the Abrahamic Religions was part of many cultural religious practices.

"A clay figurine of the 4th millennium BCE, from a temple site called Hagar Qim on the island of Malta, depicts a woman masturbating. However, in the ancient world depictions of male masturbation are far more common. A figure of a masturbating male from a Neolithic cemetery in Greece is roughly contemporary with the Malta image and likewise suggests fertility rites. From the Sumerians, who invented the first written Western language, we find references to the Mesopotamian god Enki masturbating, his ejaculation filling the Tigris River with flowing water."


"Male masturbation became an even more important image in ancient Egyptian cosmology. When performed by a god it could be considered a creative or magical act, but a mortal human masturbator might not receive such approval. According to one major creation myth the god Atum appeared on the Primordial Mound out of the void of Nu. As the first "thing" in the midst of nothingness, Atum relieved his loneliness by masturbating. His ejaculation resulted in the appearance of the first god and goddess, Shu and Tefnut, who became the parents of all other elements of the world. An alternate version indicates that the god Ptah, architect of the universe, maintains cosmic order through continual masturbation. The yearly flooding of the Nile, on which Egypt depended entirely, was also said to flow from the secretions of the Nile god Hapy. Min, the god of male potency, was always shown standing with an immense erection, often held in his own hand. The vegetative god Osiris, King of the Dead and Lord of Eternity, resurrected himself through an act of sacred masturbation, an association with seed-force and cyclic regeneration. Osiris conceived his son Horus, Lord of the Living and the Falcon of Light, in this way."

If we skip to the "modern era" we have someone like Cereal magnate John Harvey Kellogg declaring "sex for anything but reproduction" to be "sexual excess." He also recommended circumcision as a way to discourage male masturbation. (Obviously female circumcision is much more successful at discouraging female masturbation. Suffice it to say, I am more than glad that he didn't recommend this as well.)

"The eminent neuropsychologist James W. Prescott has said: "Deprivation of physical affection in human relationships...constitutes the single greatest source of violence in human societies." We might want to take a cue from our close relatives the Bonobos and consider the social benefits of increased sexual satisfaction."

LINK: - MASTURBATION THROUGHOUT HISTORY


Link

20 Comments:

Blogger Lexcen said...

Now here's a subject that isn't discussed often. Thanks for the link.

2/6/07 3:17 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

lexcen

One could say that I have decided to take on the hard issues.

(I wouldn't say it though..)

2/6/07 8:29 pm  
Blogger Mikayla Starstuff said...

Interesting. I wonder how the western world ended up so sexually repressed?

2/6/07 10:05 pm  
Blogger Dikkii said...

Nudity. Masturbation.

One thing's for sure - your readership should go through the roof.

3/6/07 12:28 am  
Blogger Coffee Messiah said...

Crazy that especially here in the west, that which is most natural is looked down on, and that this is, shall we say "killing in the name of god" is OK? ; (

What a place! ; (

3/6/07 2:27 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Mikayla

How did the world end up so sexually repressed? I would suggest the Abrahamic religions helped.


dikki

I know. I just can't help but think of religion as a reaction to natural processes.

"Naked people? Better make a law against that. Tell them they are all going to hell, that should work."

I think that religion has worked hard to separate human behaviours and characteristics from the natural world.

3/6/07 8:47 am  
Blogger DiscordianStooge said...

It's scary to think that those creatures are emissaries of god.

That's one of my favorite images. Thanks for the smile.

3/6/07 10:24 am  
Blogger Plonka said...

When you think about it, religion is a kind of mental masturbation. Especially in so far as it uses fantasy to achieve climactic ends...;)

3/6/07 1:49 pm  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

plonka:
When you think about it, religion is a kind of mental masturbation.
Boy, you said a mouthful.
Or a handful, as the case may be.

3/6/07 4:13 pm  
Blogger Plonka said...

KA: Boy, you said a mouthful.

Now that's a bit of a stretch...(*snigger* :))

3/6/07 10:37 pm  
Anonymous John P said...

And it helps prevent prostate cancer.

As for traffic, you will get more hits because of search engines. I did a piece on my blog on sex and violence, and until I took out certain words from the post, my traffic went up by about 1000%.

4/6/07 1:32 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

john p

Thanks for dropping in. Yes, I would think that any mention of sex, nudity, violence, masturbation etc would make a site get more hits. So if my little blog gets more hits as a result, that is fine by me. The intent, however, was not to increase traffic, but to write about stuff that interests me.

If it also has the effect of bringing more people here, then I won't complain either.

By the way, nice article on your site concerning sex and violence.

4/6/07 9:59 am  
Blogger breakerslion said...

So one could say that Kellogg, by railing against masturbation, made of himself a greater wanker than any of those he despised.

I'm much more inclined to ascribe to the Onan family values myself... especially while reclining... at least until my inclination reaches satiation and begins its declination.

Too much information?

4/6/07 11:53 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Breaker

It's ok. I like to eat popcorn whilst watching a movie as well. But once I have reached my fill, I decline also from eating any more.

You were talking about the Onan Family's TV viewing habits weren't you?

4/6/07 12:13 pm  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

beep, SA:
I've done a postabout this.

4/6/07 11:54 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

KA

(And I am sure that the gods will be pleased... ) ;)

6/6/07 11:24 am  
Blogger Tommy said...

Tantric teachings also condemn frequent masturbation, but for different reasons. Believers in tantra believe that each ejaculation saps a man's life force or something along those lines. That is why they emphasize sexual pleasure without ejaculation.

9/6/07 11:29 am  
Anonymous mel said...

Well the estimate of feral cats in the US should suggest at least two possibilities:

1. God ain't really killin' the ki77nz, and/or
2. Americans ain't gettin' enough satisfaction

Either one is sufficient evidence to support a movement to abolish religion.

Great post, Beep.

My personal theory about god's hate of masterbation (at least in the modern era) is for its power to manipulate the human mind. God clearly loves to f**k with us by telling us that our most basic natures are pure evil...so that he can then goad us into kissing his has for forgiveness.

We ought to *kick* his ass.

9/6/07 5:45 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

tommy

Yes, that is true that some eastern philosophies believe that the retention of "seed" (sperm) is a healthy thing to do. But I would have to say that is because they attribute mystical or spiritual properties to semen which are supposedly outside the natural ones.

I think it stems from, in the past, a lack of understanding about all things biological.

10/6/07 10:13 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

mel:


Thanks for dropping by.

Religions do seem to be obsessed with all things sexual. When one can have sex, what sex is allowed, why one can have sex and with whom one can have sex.

Let's face it. Sex was and still is a huge potential commodity. If you control the sex drive you probably have control over many other aspects of a society as well.

10/6/07 10:17 am  

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