"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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Location: Australia

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.


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Sunday, July 30, 2006

People I Am Going To Hell With

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Assorted Non - Believers, Wiccans, Pagans, Shintoists, Sikhs, Jainists - All going to hell.

Atheists - For not believing in god. This illustrious list includes people such as: Richard Dawkins, Woody Allen, Lance Armstrong, Isaac Asimov, Richard Branson, Katharine Hepburn, James Randi and Bill Gates. Just to mention a few. Ok. Bill Gates I can understand. He deserves it because of microsoft.

Aztecs, Mayans, Arawaks, Native Americans, South Pacific Islanders, etc – Some of these people practiced cannibalism like Jeffrey Dahmer but didn’t accept Jesus so we know where they are going. Christians killed a lot of them because they didn’t believe in Jesus so god seems to be fucking them over twice.

Buddhists - Buddha once said that life is suffering. This practice will come in handy while burning in hell.

Confucianists - For providing a system of ethics that doesn't require a supernatural deity. Welcome to hell for about 6 million chinese.

Daoists and Taoists - Taoism is not a religion, nor a philosophy. It is a "Way" of life. It is a River. The Tao is the natural order of things. It is a force that flows through every living and sentient object, as well as through the entire universe. Sounds too much like pantheism. Welcome to hell for preaching about a life of balance being perfect happiness.

Deists and Pantheists - You people are way too passive and inclusive. Everything is divine. Hope you find hell divine.

Greeks - Raping, plundering, murdering, and drinking to excess. And I am talking about their gods! Looks like they are headed to deep in the bowels of Hades!

Hindus - Holy cows but no holy spirit. Straight to hell! Now that the Buddhists and Hindus are in hell, we easily outnumber the people in heaven several times over. Do you think we aren’t going to invade?

Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons and any other cult that turns up at my door on Sunday morning.

Jews - Christians would say that the Jews were on the right path until they kind of killed the Messiah. Oy.

Jews for Jesus - Isn’t this a contradiction. I vote they go to hell for hedging their bets.

Neanderthals and Early Hominids – There is some evidence that they may have believed in an afterlife but since they don’t even get a mention on the bible I think it is safe to assume we will see them in hell.

Scientologists - Tom Cruise, John Travolta and assorted Dianetic Devotees.

Sumerians- The oldest civilization. They worshipped gods such as An and Nammu, but no Yahweh. Welcome to hell Sargon.

Zoroastrianism - One of the earliest known monotheistic religions. Close but no cigar. Straight to hell spoke Zarathustra.

Now that we have the list sorted, who is bringing the gin and tonics and the mah jong?

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” Mark Twain

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Blogger Larry Gambone said...

Hell is sure as hell gonna be crowded after that list of eternal fire-deserving sinners! I have often thought what a monster Ghod must be - a kind of infinite Hitler - for being so cruel to humans. If your kid does something out of ignorance do you beat him? Then what kind of Ghod would punish us humans - who on the scale of eternity must seem like microbes - for our miserable failings? Since I cannot believe that a Ghod - supposing that he-she-it exists - would be so monstrous, I can only conclude that the people who come up and promote these ideas are total psychopaths and degenerates and should be placed in institutions for the criminally insane. I am not saying this to be forceful or outrageous. I believe this. These lunatics want to destroy the world and right now are trying their best to do so.

30/7/06 4:26 am  
Blogger Kelso said...

Hey - I probably haven't read the section of your blog the describes your past experiences with Christians, but I want to ask: What experiences have you had with Christians that have turned you so far against them? Are you comments against Christians or against God himself?

30/7/06 9:02 am  
Blogger Arthur_Vandelay said...

Lance Armstrong's an atheist? And God let him win?

30/7/06 11:54 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE larry:

I forgot to mention the section of hell for heretics, heathens and blasphemers.

I can imagine that that will also be a very large section.

I figure at this rate there will be the majority of people in hell, limbo and purgatory. Then we only need to get organised, and invade heaven and take over.

The inhabitants of heaven might actually be relieved especially if they have been there for centuries of gratuitous ass-kissing.

RE kelso:

My comments concerning "the fool hath saith in his heart there is no god" etc, were directed at the person who left the comment prior to you, who must have decided that I had no right to an opinion concerning god.

So, .. out of the kindness of their christian heart, they took it upon themselves to insult me and call me a fool.

If you had read the previous comments, you would have understood this before you weighed in with your own opinion.

RE arthur:

Yeah, apparently lance is an atheist. Or so says this website anyway.
Celebrity Atheist List:

30/7/06 12:49 pm  
Blogger Jon Cox said...

OMG, AWESOME POST!!! VERY INTERESTING!!! Love the frozen Hell sign as well!

30/7/06 2:10 pm  
Anonymous olly said...

dammit beep, if i have to burn in hell, why oh WHY must Tom-fucking-Cruise be there! Can't we send him somewhere else for eternity? Like a comet or something? Even after we take over heaven, he's still gonna be jumping up and down on SOMEONE'S heavenly couch spouting off about psychology or something. there's no end to his idiocy!

Fuck. Oh well, I'll bring the Bombay Sapphire if someone else will bring the tonic.

Guess we'll have to drink it warm though, shit.

Oh, and it reminds me of a great song by the Bloodhound Gang (or at least a part of it):

And if I go to hell,
Well I hope I burn well,
I'll spend my days with JFK, Marvin Gaye, Martha Ray and Lawrence Welch.
Kurt Cobain, Kojack, Mark Twain and Jimi Hendrix poltergeist...
And Webster, yeah Emmanuel Lewis 'cause he's the antichrist!


3/8/06 4:37 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

lolol @ song.. I gotta find that one

3/8/06 5:00 pm  
Anonymous olly said...

it's called 'Fire Water Burn' by the Bloodhound Gang, if that helps at all.



4/8/06 4:20 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE olly:
Thanks, I might link to it on the blog.

4/8/06 12:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

5/8/06 10:00 am  
Blogger Truthspew said...

Reading this and then watching the Rowan Atkinson as the Devil video gives me such a thrill. At least I'll be among friends when I go to hell.

According to the Phelps Klan we're all going to hell anyhow.

Of course if I believed any of that it would be a different story.

7/8/06 12:16 am  

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