"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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Location: Australia

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.


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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Would You Give This Man A Green Card?

WARNING:~ This Article Contains Adult Concepts, Please Censor Yourself.

If Jesus was to apply for a green card, which category would he apply under?

1. Family Based Immigration?
No, Jesus doesn't have any family living in the US, apparently he didn't act on any of his sexual desires.

2. Employment Based Immigration?
Possibly, as his followers believe him to be a person of extraordinary ability. Walking on water and rising from the dead being two of his supposed special feats.

3. Green Card Lottery?
I can't really see Jesus lining up to gamble as to whether he will be lucky enough to win a green card. Afterall, here was a guy who was unlucky enough to be killed by his own father.

4. Investor?
Jesus as a foreign entrepeneur? Firstly he would need to have at least $500, 000 to invest and as a humble carpenter, I don't think he would have that sort of money to invest anywhere.

5. Private Bill ?
Perhaps Jesus has a compelling humanitarian reason to stay permanently in the US. Afterall, Israel isn't particularly interested in offering him residence, and come to think of it, he isn't too popular in most of the Middle East.

6. Diplomat?
This would need to assume that Jesus is a high level diplomat who can't return to his home country because of persecution or a well-founded fear of persecution. Well really, how many times can you kill someone? If he goes back to Israel, is it legitimate or even remotely possible to nail him up again?
I thought crucifixions were a once only affair.

7. Asylum?
Ditto, except he doesn't need to be a diplomat. Jesus didn't appear to be especially diplomatic or sane in his dealing with a fig tree. Cursing a fig tree because it doesn't bear fruit out of season seems more like a plea for insanity than a plea for political assylum.

8. Refugee?
Ditto. He only needs to be a foreign national who is displaced by war, famine, and civil and political unrest. This seems likely given the religious wars in the middle east at the moment.

Personally, I think Jesus would apply for a green card and employment in the US based on his claims of extraordinary abilities because:

  • He wouldn't be asked to provide evidence for any of his claims.
  • His claims would be taken on blind faith.
  • Anything positive that happened in the country would be attributed to him, and anything negative would be attributed to Canada.

But just incase, by some stroke of bad luck, his application fails, you can be one of the other religious nutballs who have signed their name to demand that Jesus will have AUTOMATIC legal status when he returns.

Please see below ~

To: US Citizenship and Immigration Services
We, the Christians of Americans, demand that you grant the US Citizenship to Jesus Christ, the son of God. We, the good Christians of America know that our Lord and Savior will return to earth and we want to make sure he has a legal status in the USA.
The Undersigned




Blogger MichaelBains said...

as a humble carpenter,

Humble? Silly cracker thought he was a Godlet! I'd say it was his ego that got 'im snuffed the first time.

I'm sorry. Due to his association with known terrorists (aka, Johnny Baptisto and his gang) and a record of "disruptive behaviour" at Israeli financial institutions, I'd have to recommend he be permanently barred from entering into the United States; even on holiday.

Would make an exception if accompanied by his "Father"...

Hhmmm... Strike that. It appears that that personage also has an enormous body of terroristical affiliations.

Sorry. Next applicant.

25/7/06 8:00 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

lol@ next applicant

26/7/06 1:41 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...


26/7/06 7:33 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Disgusting? Because he looks crap in a pair of tightie whities?

26/7/06 8:45 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

How on earth would I know what Michael looks like in his underwear?

26/7/06 11:50 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

So why disgusting? You afraid a guy in undies might turn you on?

27/7/06 1:58 pm  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Yes I am not....

1/8/06 12:00 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:
I think you should do some of those studies where they measure penis arousal after watching homosexual men engaging in preliminary sexual activity.

The results are quite interesting.
Apparently, some of the most homophobic men are also the ones who are the most aroused.

1/8/06 12:41 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Here's another definition of HOMOPHOBIA from an online dictionary:
« Definition: The fear of men or the male sex; fear of human beings.

Usage: Since an article in the London Times in 1969, the word has been widely misused to mean homosexophobia "the fear of homosexuals."

Suggested Usage: This word may be used to refer to a fear of men or all males: "I don't think my daughter will ever get married; I think she is homophobic." It may also refer to the fear of humankind: "You will never see such a homophobic soul as Melvin at a party."

Etymology: Latin homo, hominis "man, human" + phobia "fear, dread." "Homo" derives from the same root as German -gam in Bräutigam "bridegroom" and Old English guma "man" ... »

Notice that the definition states the word has been widely MISUSED to mean homosexophobia "the fear of homosexuals."

Of course, you prefer to use the politically charged neologism (see definition below) coined by "a friend of the LGBT community" i.e. someone who shares your point of view:

« Etymology: The word homophobia is a *neologism* first coined by psychologist George Weinberg in his book Society and the Healthy Homosexual in 1972. It can be broken down into the Greek words homo meaning "the same" and phobia which means "fear". It may be seen as a portmanteau of homosexual and phobia.»

But keep in mind another definition, that of *neologism*:

*neologism*: from
1 : a new word, usage, or expression
2 : a meaningless word coined by a psychotic.

I don't think definition # 2 is very apt in your case..... is it? :)

1/8/06 11:41 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

I am impressed that you would spend so much time in order to find a dictionary definition of "homophobic" with which you could attempt to insult me.

If indeed the word "homopobic" was legitimately used in this way, that meaning has been rendered obsolete, and doesn't apply to modern definition standards.

If you want to use a word to insult me, why don't you stick with the usual favourites? Just call me a pinko lezzo commie or a feminazi. None of the insults will be true, but at least you will feel better for insulting me.

But. if we decide to call women who dislike men, homophobic, what are we going to call men like you who secretly want to poke another man in the poohole; but who feel too restrained by their prejudices to do so?

PS: The "homo" in homophobia comes from the word homosexual, not to be confused with the Latin "homo", meaning man (as in homo sapiens).

The word homophobia combines the Greek words phobos, meaning "panic fear", with the prefix homo-, which means "the same".

2/8/06 8:51 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Exit only, if you please! :)

5/8/06 12:21 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

I have no idea why you are so frightened of anal sex. I promise to be gentle.

5/8/06 1:54 am  

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