"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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Location: Australia

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.


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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Letter to Ann Coulter from Henry Rollins


Dear Ann:
You used to be fun; at least funny. At least gently and amusingly insane, but girlfriend, you’ve changed! The thousand-yard stare you’ve acquired in the last couple of years says lonely nights, too much wine and insecurity about the future of your career.

Where to now, my sweet fascist? Another one of your silly books? More hilarious appearances on Hannity & Colmes? Bill Maher has to be tired of you by now. You’re anything but stupid and by now , you must see the writing on the wall. You’ll never have a real place with the Beltway in crowd, as they see you as a northeastern, hickoid, pro wrestler, Nascar type with a degree from Cornell. I mean, really, Ann; where can it go from here?

Ann, I think I have the answer, in fact, I know I do. I want to hire you, Ann. I want you to come and work for me. I want you to be my “Ann Friday,” my housekeeper, beekeeper, floor, chimney and minesweeper, my window-washing, grocery-buying, dinner-cooking, obsequious, submissive concubine-domestic.

You will laugh at my jokes, celebrate my victories and lament my failures. You will praise my friends and vow great harm upon all who oppose me. You will treat me like a god, a guru, a mentor – and the best night in the sack you’ve ever had. You will carry my bags, wash my cars, walk my dogs and turn your savings over to me. You will massage Susan Sarandon’s aching shoulders, whip up vegan delights for Hanoi Jane Fonda, and loofah Barbra Streisand’s stretch marks. But most of all, Ann, you will just shut the fuck up.

I can offer you a life of obedient servitude on my compound; in your time with me, you will learn much. You will learn that America is made up of people from all races, walks of life and sexual orientation and that it’s all OK. You will learn to be patient and kind. You will learn the meaning of the word “respect” and memorize every line of Caddyshack.

You will listen to The Ramones, Black Sabbath and the Brides of Funkenstein. You’re a figure of fun and I plan on having fun with that figure. You will learn who your daddy is, that’s for sure. But mostly, Ann, you will just the fuck up.Come on, Anne, ya fuckin’ psycho; let’s do this!




Blogger SINCRONIA said...

Beep, if there's a denomination for the TROLL kind of attitude, How do you denominate someone who hates science and rational thinking? And that is always looking for argue this is also another kind of beliefs . . . you know, I have this friend . . .

20/7/06 9:37 am  
Blogger olly said...


I'll be up front in that I've always thought Henry Rollins was a pretentious prick.

I submit now that all of that has been erased, and I wish he'd run for president or emperor or something. Fucking hilarious!


20/7/06 3:01 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE sincronia:

I can believe that global warming is occuring. But my belief is hardly necessary as global warming occurs regardless of my belief in it.

"Belief" in this context, is to have a reasonable expectation that such a thing is occuring because of evidences to the affirmative. Evidences which are testible and or falsifiable.

Religious belief does not require evidences in order to exist. All that is required is blind faith.

So even though the word "belief" or "believe" can be used outside the context of religious belief; under these circumstances it is rarely if ever describing blind faith.

20/7/06 11:29 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE olly:

Well, he is pretentious. But anyone who serves coulter's ass back to her on a platter is entitled to my support.

20/7/06 11:30 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like a misogynist to me. Funny how feminists are okay with misogyny when it involves a female they despise. I see this over and over again....

23/7/06 4:11 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

I don't hate women, just ann coulter. :)

23/7/06 4:38 pm  
Anonymous Jeff said...

But you approve of misogynistic ways of belittling her. Interesting....

24/7/06 6:23 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

If you feel like posting, don't play "anonymous".

It makes you look deceitful. Oooops. That is probably because you are.

24/7/06 9:16 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

The anonymous post was an accident. Afterall, I'm not perfect (God), you know......

24/7/06 11:39 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Sure troll, claim you didn't post anonymously on purpose...

25/7/06 1:01 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

My name isn't troll. It's The Jeff, my dear....

25/7/06 4:24 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

While you need my permission to post to my blog, you will be called what I will.

25/7/06 11:35 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Do you want a cowriter? I could add some interesting articles to the fray.... Don't answer right away. I know you aren't afraid of a little controversy and perhaps this is exactly what is needed in the blogosphere. A blog hosted by both an Atheist and a Christian. What a concept! Think it over and get back to me....

26/7/06 7:48 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

I thought about it

26/7/06 9:38 am  
Anonymous Jeff said...

Awesome! When do I start?

26/7/06 11:52 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:
Start your own blog.

I promise to come and annoy you on your blog.

27/7/06 2:01 pm  
Anonymous Jeff said...

I don't have as much time to proselytize as you do, beep.....

1/8/06 12:01 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE the troll:

Sure you have time to proselytise, you are here regularly because you can't stand it that I have a different opinion about gods than you do.

You specifically make time to come here and post comments in opposition, because it is in your doctrine/dogma to proselytise.

PROSELYTISE: (V) convert to another faith or religion.

I have no religion or faith to convert anyone to, you on the other hand, are prescribed BY your faith and your religion to do exactly that.

(It is fascinating to me how god believers project their own habits and characteristics onto other people.)

1/8/06 12:50 am  

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