Look. I'm tolerant. I'm the Mahatma Friggin Gandhi of tolerance. I don't mind what you do. What you believe. How you dress or who you bang. To paraphrase Salt n Pepper, if you wanna take a guy, home with you tonight, it's none of my business. If you wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend. It's none of my business. I just don't care. I don't mind who you worship. I don't mind where you do it. I don't care if you think that christ is the messiah. I don't care if you think that christ is the anti-christ. I don't care if you think that YOU'RE the messiah. I don't mind if you put on an ornage robe, shave your head and join a friggin suicide cult. Care factor - zero.
It doesn't worry me. Do whatever you want to do. Just don't knock on my door before midday on Saturday. Don't do it. I'm looking at YOU mormons. Now listen up, mormons. A lot of people would say that you are freaks. That you wear special underpants and worship some guy with magic glasses. That you are not proper christians. That in fact, you're a cult and that your theology compares unfavourably to the Raelians, The Branch Davidians and Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. But not me. I think you're fine. You definitely don't make less sense than the catholics, muslims and buddhists.
However, the catholics don't come round bashing on my door on Saturday morning. The muslims and the buddhists don't come round bashing on my door on Saturday morning. Even the Salvation Army who rock up with their trumpets, bazoons, tubas and tamborine ensemble making more noise than Iron Maiden, have the common decency to wait until after lunch. But that's not for you mormons, is it. You're up bright and perky on Saturday morning after going to bed at 7:30 the night before after watching some "Benji Movie."
Well, I wasn't. Maybe I was out living a little. Maybe I was out till five in the morning drinking kalhua and milk and dancing to "Yaz and the Plastic Population." You didn't think about that, did you. You didn't factor "Yaz" into your little plan to ring my bell at eight in the morning. I don't remember that bit in The New Testament where jesus says unto his flock: " Go around and annoy the shit out of people, by bashing on their door." I must have overlooked Deuteronomy 13:11 - "Blessed is the man who goes around banging on people's doors at all hours of the morning because he truly is jesus's little friend." Listen mormons. I fair dinkum have put up with your crap for long enough. And seeing as you mormons seem so open to the concept of door to door belief pushing, well, it just got me to thinking.
(John flies to USA) - I've come to Saltlake City, Utah, the world capital of mormonism. The spiritual home of LDS, or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I've got my pamphlets. I've got my copy of "Origin of Species". I've got my atheist badge. Let's do some good. As religious door knockers always travel in twos, I thought I would drag along my director, Craig Melville.
- First mormon door - (Bell rings) "Hello. Could I take a moment of your time?" (Door shuts)
- Next door - "Hello my name is John and this is Craig and we would like to take a moment of your time to talk to you about atheism. Would you be interested in that?" Woman's reply: "Well, actually no." John: "We want to talk to you about atheism and how it can change your life." Woman: "No no."
- John talking to old man: " Us atheists believe that the bible isn't really true and that it's all just stories." Old man's reply: "I'm a bishop of the (indiscernible) church." John: "Well, have you ever considered atheism?"
- John talking to another man: "We believe that the bible is just made up and it didn't really happen." (Old man starts hitting John with a broom.)
- John talking to another man: "We follow the teachings of a man named Charles Darwin who's an evolutionary biologist. "
- John talking to woman at door: "And he brought an amazing message to us. For example, did you know that your relatives were monkeys?
- John talking to another woman at her front door: "Did you know that when you die that your body just decomposes into the earth and nothing happens. There's no soul. There's no heaven. God is meaningless, false and irrational."
- Next door: " There's a lot of literature that backs up atheism. From the 1980's band XTC. "Dear god, you are always letting us humans down. The wars you bring, the babes you drown. And it's the same the whole world round. Dear god, I don't believe in you."
Next door: "Just imagine that you're wasting your entire life going to church and it all adds up to nothing."
- Next door: " This cognitive dissidence causes anxiety within you but the thing is, atheism can cure you of this anxiety by providing scientific explanations..."
- NEXT door: " Oh, did we disturb you from your sleep?"
- Next door: " Oh, sorry, were you doing something else? Were you enjoying your own private time and it was really intrusive to have someone come bashing on your door and push their beliefs on you?
- Next door: Man speaking at door: "Did you understand what I said? This is inappropriate. Take us off your list."
"Evangelism is the art of selling 'Get Out of Death Insurance Policies' to people who won't be able to use them BECAUSE they are dead."
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