BEEP! BEEP! IT'S ME.

"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.

"DIFFICILE EST SATURAM NON SCRIBERE"

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

John Saffron VS The Mormons

Watch @ onegoodmove - John Safran vs. The Mormons. or here on Youtube.






Transcript:

Look. I'm tolerant. I'm the Mahatma Friggin Gandhi of tolerance. I don't mind what you do. What you believe. How you dress or who you bang. To paraphrase Salt n Pepper, if you wanna take a guy, home with you tonight, it's none of my business. If you wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend. It's none of my business. I just don't care. I don't mind who you worship. I don't mind where you do it. I don't care if you think that christ is the messiah. I don't care if you think that christ is the anti-christ. I don't care if you think that YOU'RE the messiah. I don't mind if you put on an ornage robe, shave your head and join a friggin suicide cult. Care factor - zero.

It doesn't worry me. Do whatever you want to do. Just don't knock on my door before midday on Saturday. Don't do it. I'm looking at YOU mormons. Now listen up, mormons. A lot of people would say that you are freaks. That you wear special underpants and worship some guy with magic glasses. That you are not proper christians. That in fact, you're a cult and that your theology compares unfavourably to the Raelians, The Branch Davidians and Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. But not me. I think you're fine. You definitely don't make less sense than the catholics, muslims and buddhists.

However, the catholics don't come round bashing on my door on Saturday morning. The muslims and the buddhists don't come round bashing on my door on Saturday morning. Even the Salvation Army who rock up with their trumpets, bazoons, tubas and tamborine ensemble making more noise than Iron Maiden, have the common decency to wait until after lunch. But that's not for you mormons, is it. You're up bright and perky on Saturday morning after going to bed at 7:30 the night before after watching some "Benji Movie."

Well, I wasn't. Maybe I was out living a little. Maybe I was out till five in the morning drinking kalhua and milk and dancing to "Yaz and the Plastic Population." You didn't think about that, did you. You didn't factor "Yaz" into your little plan to ring my bell at eight in the morning. I don't remember that bit in The New Testament where jesus says unto his flock: " Go around and annoy the shit out of people, by bashing on their door." I must have overlooked Deuteronomy 13:11 - "Blessed is the man who goes around banging on people's doors at all hours of the morning because he truly is jesus's little friend." Listen mormons. I fair dinkum have put up with your crap for long enough. And seeing as you mormons seem so open to the concept of door to door belief pushing, well, it just got me to thinking.

(John flies to USA) - I've come to Saltlake City, Utah, the world capital of mormonism. The spiritual home of LDS, or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I've got my pamphlets. I've got my copy of "Origin of Species". I've got my atheist badge. Let's do some good. As religious door knockers always travel in twos, I thought I would drag along my director, Craig Melville.
  • First mormon door - (Bell rings) "Hello. Could I take a moment of your time?" (Door shuts)
  • Next door - "Hello my name is John and this is Craig and we would like to take a moment of your time to talk to you about atheism. Would you be interested in that?" Woman's reply: "Well, actually no." John: "We want to talk to you about atheism and how it can change your life." Woman: "No no."
  • John talking to old man: " Us atheists believe that the bible isn't really true and that it's all just stories." Old man's reply: "I'm a bishop of the (indiscernible) church." John: "Well, have you ever considered atheism?"
  • John talking to another man: "We believe that the bible is just made up and it didn't really happen." (Old man starts hitting John with a broom.)
  • John talking to another man: "We follow the teachings of a man named Charles Darwin who's an evolutionary biologist. "
  • John talking to woman at door: "And he brought an amazing message to us. For example, did you know that your relatives were monkeys?
  • John talking to another woman at her front door: "Did you know that when you die that your body just decomposes into the earth and nothing happens. There's no soul. There's no heaven. God is meaningless, false and irrational."
  • Next door: " There's a lot of literature that backs up atheism. From the 1980's band XTC. "Dear god, you are always letting us humans down. The wars you bring, the babes you drown. And it's the same the whole world round. Dear god, I don't believe in you."
    Next door: "Just imagine that you're wasting your entire life going to church and it all adds up to nothing."
  • Next door: " This cognitive dissidence causes anxiety within you but the thing is, atheism can cure you of this anxiety by providing scientific explanations..."
  • NEXT door: " Oh, did we disturb you from your sleep?"
  • Next door: " Oh, sorry, were you doing something else? Were you enjoying your own private time and it was really intrusive to have someone come bashing on your door and push their beliefs on you?
  • Next door: Man speaking at door: "Did you understand what I said? This is inappropriate. Take us off your list."

LINKS:

  1. The Official John Safron Website
  2. John Safran

"Evangelism is the art of selling 'Get Out of Death Insurance Policies' to people who won't be able to use them BECAUSE they are dead."

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Link

17 Comments:

Blogger an average patriot said...

Beep Beep
I have to say I agree with you here! I spent my time as a Mormon but am spiritually self sufficient. I , like you am a to each his own kind of person.
It is dead wrong to try and impress your views on someone else.
I just wanted to make sure you were aware that I got your response and appreciated it.
I wish I knew how to program these things so they would notify upon comment as many do but alas!

23/11/06 1:01 am  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE patriot

I missed out on all the fundie religious stuff growing up in australia.

Australia had its share of traditional churches - catholic, anglican, methodist, prebyterian, lutheran etc etc, but not much in the way of "evangelical christianity."

It wasn't until I was a teenager that I became aware of mormons. Since that time, there has been a steady influx of fundamental christianity from the US. Can't say it impresses me one bit.

23/11/06 1:37 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That’s a great video; I especially like the part where he quotes the XTC song, “Dear God”, it’s one of my favorites.

23/11/06 7:02 am  
Anonymous ted said...

The other thing that pisses me off with these guys ( and the JW's) is that as soon as you have something to ask them, they stop comming around. Funny that...

23/11/06 12:12 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beep, the Baptists were very evangelical even back then, Praise the Lord!

They're all crazy, the God-botherers. It was Santa wot done it. Kids loved Santa so much that, when they outgrew him or discovered the truth, some of them looked to find a replacement. Cheers!

23/11/06 1:44 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE daniel

The baptists weren't a big group in my smallish town community. The only run in I remember having with a baptist was when I was 18. I decided that I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, so rather than run the risk of pregnancy as so many people did and still do, I thought the most responsible decision was to go on the pill.

Anyway, I toddled off to the doctor (not realizing that the doctor we went to was actually a baptist.) He, according to his religious beliefs would not prescribe the pill for me. Consequently, I just went to another doctor. Luckily, I had enough common sense to not have sex until I was protected from pregnancy. Of course there would be those who would say that I shouldn't have had sex in the first place because I wasn't married, but that wasn't an issue for me as I was going to have sex with my boyfriend, so that was that.

There would be those who would say that this doctor was acting within his rights to not prescribe the pill for me, but it should be stressed that I was not asking for an illegal substance, it was completely within the law of the land. I was above tha age of consent by 2 years and contraception was and still is not illegal.

His only reason for not wanting to prescribe it was becasue it was against his religious beliefs, not because it conflicted with any scientific studies where the product could be considered physically harmful to me.

In effect, he was requiring that I act according to HIS religious belief system. He had the right to act according to his belief system, (meaning that if he didn't want to have pre-marital sex with anyone, he didn't have to), but he didn't have the right to demand that of me as well.

What if I had needed heart surgery? Would he have decided because of his religious beliefs that the soul is in the heart and consequently it was against his beliefs to offer heart medication or surgery?

What if, according to his religious beliefs, he believed that smallpox was a judgement by god, and therefore he couldn't treat it because it would be going against god's will?

Suffice it to say, I wasn't paying him for a "morality consultation". His religious beliefs were of no interest to me and should NOT have impacted upon his ability to provide a legal substance.

23/11/06 3:09 pm  
Blogger Deacon Barry said...

"As soon as you have something to ask them, they stop coming around."
In the six years I've been at my current address, I've only had one visit by the local evangelicals. It was fun. I was polite and pleasant with them, but I demolished every argument. My favourite was:
THEM: Did you know the Bible is the oldest book in the world?
ME: No it isn't. It was written about 500BC. The Iliad was written 200 years before that. Sinuhe the Egyptian, the world's first novel was written about 1800BC. The Rig Veda was written about 2000BC, and the Epic of Gilgamesh about 2500BC!
They haven't been back, and that was about three years ago now.

23/11/06 11:06 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE deacon:

Tsk Tsk. Didn't you know that god invented writing when he wrote the bible? :)

24/11/06 3:12 am  
Blogger Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

I should have checked your blog before I posted the same video this morning.

24/11/06 4:08 am  
Anonymous ted said...

RE Deacon

So I'm being my own worst enemy eh? Oh well. I'll console myself with the savings I'm making on tea and biscuits then (or cookies, depending on where you're from).

RE: Beep

Which bible and which god? ;)

24/11/06 4:53 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

RE ted:

Pick a god, any god. ;)

24/11/06 6:17 pm  
Blogger Deacon Barry said...

It's biscuits where I come from. And coffee...lots of coffee.

24/11/06 11:21 pm  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Hey, let's split the difference - bovril!

Actually, yuck.. I hate bovril

25/11/06 1:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome!! I'm going to piss off a few people next Saturday morning... It looks like so much fun!

25/11/06 3:53 am  
Blogger Deacon Barry said...

There's Ovaltine. Or hot chocolate?

25/11/06 5:52 am  
Anonymous ted said...

Horlicks perhaps?

25/11/06 11:46 am  
Blogger Muad'Dib said...

Ha ha ha ha! Excellent Sunday Morning Reading! I think my kids are secretly Daddy Despising Mormons because they wake me up at 5:30 every day.. not my wife, me..

My dad was a big loud atheist who would actually invite them in, make them tea, listen to them, then feed back his opinions.. Never had any return.

Granted, I never saw any actually "leave"... I wonder what was in dear old dads Mormon Pie.. I thought it was pork..

26/11/06 10:19 pm  

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