BEEP! BEEP! IT'S ME.

"Begin at the beginning,and go on till you come to the end: then stop." (Lewis Carroll, 1832-1896)

Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked."Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat."I don't know," Alice answered."Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

"So long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation. "Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. "Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

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Name: Beep Beep
Location: Australia

I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Like Arthur Dent from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy", if you do not have a Babel Fish in your ear this blog will be completely unintelligible to you and will read something like this: "boggle, google, snoggle, slurp, slurp, dingleberry to the power of 10". Fortunately, those who have had the Babel Fish inserted in their ear, will understood this blog perfectly. If you are familiar with this technology, you will know that the Babel Fish lives on brainwave radiation. It excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said; or in this case, what was read. The Babel Fish, thanks to scientific research, reverses the problem defined by its namesake in the Tower of Babel, where a deity was supposedly inspired to confuse the human race by making them unable to understand each other.

"DIFFICILE EST SATURAM NON SCRIBERE"

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Monday, July 31, 2006

God Isn't Real

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Lyrics by Robbie Fulks

A world filled with wonder, a cold, fathomless sky
A man's life so meager, he can but wonder why
He cries out to Heaven its truth to reveal
The answer: only silence, for God isn't real.
Go ask the starving millions under Stalin's cruel reign
Go ask the child with cancer who eases her pain
Then go to your churches, if that's how you feel
But don't ask me to follow, for God isn't real.
He forms in his image a weak and foolish man
Speaks to him in symbols that few understand
For a life of devotion, the death blow he deals
We'd owe Him only hatred, but God isn't real.
Go tell the executioner of the power he can't defy
Go tell his shackled victim of the mercy on high...
Then go to your churches, go beg, pray, and kneel,
But don't ask me to follow, for God isn't real.
No, no matter how He should be, God isn't real.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

An Evangelist I Can Almost Like

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From: ~ Disowning Conservative Politics, Evangelical Pastor Rattles Flock

Before the last presidential election, Reverend Boyd preached six sermons called “The Cross and the Sword” in which he said the church should steer clear of politics, give up moralizing on sexual issues, stop claiming the United States as a “Christian nation” and stop glorifying American military campaigns.

“When the church wins the culture wars, it inevitably loses,” Mr. Boyd preached. “When it conquers the world, it becomes the world. When you put your trust in the sword, you lose the cross.”

And Mr. Boyd has a new book out, “The Myth of a Christian Nation: How the Quest for Political Power Is Destroying the Church,” which is based on his sermons.

In his six sermons, Mr. Boyd laid out a broad argument that the role of Christians was not to seek “power over” others — by controlling governments, passing legislation or fighting wars. Christians should instead seek to have “power under” others — “winning people’s hearts” by sacrificing for those in need, as Jesus did, Mr. Boyd said.

“America wasn’t founded as a theocracy,” he said. “America was founded by people trying to escape theocracies. Never in history have we had a Christian theocracy where it wasn’t bloody and barbaric. That’s why our Constitution wisely put in a separation of church and state.

“I am sorry to tell you,” he continued, “that America is not the light of the world and the hope of the world. The light of the world and the hope of the world is Jesus Christ.”

If I wasn't an atheist, I would say "Hallelujah."

Matthew 26:52 "Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."



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People I Am Going To Hell With

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Image from: Dribbleglass.com


Assorted Non - Believers, Wiccans, Pagans, Shintoists, Sikhs, Jainists - All going to hell.

Atheists - For not believing in god. This illustrious list includes people such as: Richard Dawkins, Woody Allen, Lance Armstrong, Isaac Asimov, Richard Branson, Katharine Hepburn, James Randi and Bill Gates. Just to mention a few. Ok. Bill Gates I can understand. He deserves it because of microsoft.

Aztecs, Mayans, Arawaks, Native Americans, South Pacific Islanders, etc – Some of these people practiced cannibalism like Jeffrey Dahmer but didn’t accept Jesus so we know where they are going. Christians killed a lot of them because they didn’t believe in Jesus so god seems to be fucking them over twice.

Buddhists - Buddha once said that life is suffering. This practice will come in handy while burning in hell.

Confucianists - For providing a system of ethics that doesn't require a supernatural deity. Welcome to hell for about 6 million chinese.

Daoists and Taoists - Taoism is not a religion, nor a philosophy. It is a "Way" of life. It is a River. The Tao is the natural order of things. It is a force that flows through every living and sentient object, as well as through the entire universe. Sounds too much like pantheism. Welcome to hell for preaching about a life of balance being perfect happiness.

Deists and Pantheists - You people are way too passive and inclusive. Everything is divine. Hope you find hell divine.

Greeks - Raping, plundering, murdering, and drinking to excess. And I am talking about their gods! Looks like they are headed to deep in the bowels of Hades!

Hindus - Holy cows but no holy spirit. Straight to hell! Now that the Buddhists and Hindus are in hell, we easily outnumber the people in heaven several times over. Do you think we aren’t going to invade?

Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons and any other cult that turns up at my door on Sunday morning.

Jews - Christians would say that the Jews were on the right path until they kind of killed the Messiah. Oy.

Jews for Jesus - Isn’t this a contradiction. I vote they go to hell for hedging their bets.

Neanderthals and Early Hominids – There is some evidence that they may have believed in an afterlife but since they don’t even get a mention on the bible I think it is safe to assume we will see them in hell.

Scientologists - Tom Cruise, John Travolta and assorted Dianetic Devotees.

Sumerians- The oldest civilization. They worshipped gods such as An and Nammu, but no Yahweh. Welcome to hell Sargon.

Zoroastrianism - One of the earliest known monotheistic religions. Close but no cigar. Straight to hell spoke Zarathustra.


Now that we have the list sorted, who is bringing the gin and tonics and the mah jong?

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” Mark Twain

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Friday, July 28, 2006

My Favourite Bible Quotes

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"There is much in the BIBLE against which every instinct of my being rebels, so much that I regret the necessity which has compelled me to read it through from beginning to end. I do not think that the knowledge which I have gained of its history and sources compensates me for the unpleasant details it has forced upon my attention." Helen Keller

"De t’ings dat yo’ li’bleTo read in de BIBLE—It ain’t necessarily so." Ira Gershwin

"The BIBLE and the Church have been the greatest stumbling blocks in the way of women's emancipation." Elizabeth Cady Stanton

"Properly read, the BIBLE is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived." Isaac Asimov

"If the BIBLE is mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust it to tell us where we're going?" Justin Brown

“It is not as in the BIBLE, that God created man in his own image. But, on the contrary, man created God in his own image.” Ludwig Feuerbach

"If all the historic books of the BIBLE were blotted from the memory of mankind, nothing of value would be lost.." Robert Ingersoll

"I read Shakespeare and the BIBLE, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education." Tallulah Bankhead

"The BIBLE is one of the most genocidal books in history." Noam Chomsky

"We either accept weaknesses in good people or we have to tear pages out of the BIBLE." Robert Duvall

"Many of us view the BIBLE and other religious teachings as mythology." Richard King

"The BIBLE contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynn Lavner

"What happens someday if more people own my record than the BIBLE? That will make me god because a lot more people believe in me than him? Because it's just about popularity. There are plenty of people in the world how have never heard of Jesus, while America takes him for granted." Marilyn Manson

"I know of no book which has been a source of brutality and sadistic conduct, both public and private, that can compare with the BIBLE." James Paget

"I got a book token for Christmas and exchanged it for a book called A History of Art, and that book (which I still have-battered and falling to pieces) became more precious to me than any BIBLE." Philip Pullman

"Suppose you went to your priest and asked for help - he would refer you to the BIBLE, but if you went the next day to your medical doctor, and he referred you to the book of Hippocrates, which was written at about the same time as the BIBLE, you would think that was old-fashioned." John Templeton

"It ain't those parts of the BIBLE that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand." Mark Twain

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Praying to the Porcelain God


From: ~ (Parenthetical Remarks) ~ Praying to the Porcelain God
Flush your favourite holy book @ Flush A Holy Book
The "Flushing Statistics" so far :
  • Bible: 284
  • Qur’an: 175
  • Book of Mormon: 144
  • other holy books: 105
  • Vedas: 76
  • Torah: 58
  • Avesta: 25
  • Guru Granth Sahib: 13
(Yeah, I don't know what the Guru Granth Sahib is either...)
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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Monty Python - The Galaxy Song

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Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite eno-o-o-o-o-ough...
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the "Milky Way".

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Would You Give This Man A Green Card?

WARNING:~ This Article Contains Adult Concepts, Please Censor Yourself.

If Jesus was to apply for a green card, which category would he apply under?

1. Family Based Immigration?
No, Jesus doesn't have any family living in the US, apparently he didn't act on any of his sexual desires.

2. Employment Based Immigration?
Possibly, as his followers believe him to be a person of extraordinary ability. Walking on water and rising from the dead being two of his supposed special feats.

3. Green Card Lottery?
I can't really see Jesus lining up to gamble as to whether he will be lucky enough to win a green card. Afterall, here was a guy who was unlucky enough to be killed by his own father.

4. Investor?
Jesus as a foreign entrepeneur? Firstly he would need to have at least $500, 000 to invest and as a humble carpenter, I don't think he would have that sort of money to invest anywhere.


5. Private Bill ?
Perhaps Jesus has a compelling humanitarian reason to stay permanently in the US. Afterall, Israel isn't particularly interested in offering him residence, and come to think of it, he isn't too popular in most of the Middle East.

6. Diplomat?
This would need to assume that Jesus is a high level diplomat who can't return to his home country because of persecution or a well-founded fear of persecution. Well really, how many times can you kill someone? If he goes back to Israel, is it legitimate or even remotely possible to nail him up again?
I thought crucifixions were a once only affair.

7. Asylum?
Ditto, except he doesn't need to be a diplomat. Jesus didn't appear to be especially diplomatic or sane in his dealing with a fig tree. Cursing a fig tree because it doesn't bear fruit out of season seems more like a plea for insanity than a plea for political assylum.

8. Refugee?
Ditto. He only needs to be a foreign national who is displaced by war, famine, and civil and political unrest. This seems likely given the religious wars in the middle east at the moment.

Personally, I think Jesus would apply for a green card and employment in the US based on his claims of extraordinary abilities because:

  • He wouldn't be asked to provide evidence for any of his claims.
  • His claims would be taken on blind faith.
  • Anything positive that happened in the country would be attributed to him, and anything negative would be attributed to Canada.

But just incase, by some stroke of bad luck, his application fails, you can be one of the other religious nutballs who have signed their name to demand that Jesus will have AUTOMATIC legal status when he returns.


Please see below ~

To: US Citizenship and Immigration Services
We, the Christians of Americans, demand that you grant the US Citizenship to Jesus Christ, the son of God. We, the good Christians of America know that our Lord and Savior will return to earth and we want to make sure he has a legal status in the USA.
Sincerely,
The Undersigned

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

After the Rapture, Can I Have Your Car?


The Rapture Index is by no means meant to predict the rapture, however, the index is designed to measure the type of activity that could act as a precursor to the rapture.

You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we're moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture.

POLL: ~ After the Rapture can I have your car?


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Are You A Fascist?

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Image from ~ Juggernuts

Do the test ~ The Fascism Scale

Fifty years ago, the Authoritarian Personality studies attempted to "construct an instrument that would yield an estimate of fascist receptivity at the personality level."

Fascism is a radical totalitarian political philosophy that combines elements of corporatism, authoritarianism, extreme nationalism, militarism, anti-anarchism, anti-communism and anti-liberalism.

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross." Sinclair Lewis

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Friday, July 21, 2006

Imagine There's No Heaven

~
Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make when in the presence of religious dogma. The atheist is merely a person who believes that the 260 million Americans (87% of the population) who claim to never doubt the existence of God should be obliged to present evidence for his existence and, indeed, for his benevolence, given the relentless destruction of innocent human beings we witness in the world each day.

Only the atheist recognizes the boundless narcissism and self-deceit of the saved. Only the atheist realizes how morally objectionable it is for survivors of a catastrophe to believe themselves spared by a loving God while this same God drowned infants in their cribs.
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